Sep 27, 2018
Hi everyone! This is Connie Sokol, and you're listening to Balance Redefined Radio. I've spent over 20 years teaching people how to redefine what balance really is, meaning a more purposeful and joyful life.
They’ve paid off credit cards, lost weight, organize their homes, and created a meaningful life plan and they've managed their time, changed habits and experience greater success both at work and at home.
So now I decided to take the plunge and help about 100,000 new people who want to redefine balance in their lives. People ask me all the time, “How do I go from an overwhelming and chaotic life to more purpose and organization and joy?”
That's the reason why I'm doing this podcast, to give you trusted answers and create a space where you could find balance. My name is Connie Sokol and welcome to Balance Redefined Radio…
Welcome back! I'm so thrilled to carve out this time to share with you some wonderful thoughts that I have today, so I hope you're ready. Pen and paper, your mind open, whatever that takes for you to be in a space to learn something new that will hopefully ignite a shift within you in some fashion.
That's always my goal in any of these podcasts...
So today I want to talk about the balance between this certainty and uncertainty because you know my focus is all on balanced, redefined, trying to help you and myself everyday to redefine what balance means to us because that's what matters most.
We can't look sideways. We have to look vertically for being able to know what that looks like for us, for our situation, for our families, for our work, for whatever that is. So it's so important that we find these balances...
And today I want to talk about this balance between the certainty and uncertainty because I've had conversations with people recently and there's kind of a shift in the seasons right now and that kind of comes along with it when their shift in seasons.
Then our action somewhat shift if it's fall or spring or if it's summer or whatever. Then we kind of shift what it is that we do because it's kind of in keeping with that season and so it gives us the sense of an opportunity window of uplevel or stay the same or go backwards and what that looks like.
For us and I think what that does so often is create this space of uncertainty and we have this love hate relationship. I'm hearing it when I'm talking to people. It's like we want to be certain. We want to be sure about things, but then we have so much uncertainty and then we say, what's wrong with what?
What am I doing that's not right? What's the matter? Why can't I get certain about these things? Why can I be sure, but what we have to expect and understand is that they're both two sides of the same coin...
We were just in the space at different times of certainty and then moving to uncertainty and then moving back to certainty…
Once we know what it is about that uncertainty that we needed to learn and then we're prepared for the next uncertainty, so first and foremost, please just validate that this is part of life, that this is part of the circle of life...
Feel a song coming on, but it's just part of that life cycle and we got to embrace it. Otherwise working out some really tough times and eat a lot of snickers because we're going to be in this uncertainty frame in this space a lot, so I want to talk about that.
So first of all, with the certainty part that makes sense, we want to be sure we want to be in control. Are you that way? Do you feel like you want control all the time your bossing around your spouse or your children or your colleagues or your boss and your maybe being a little bit of a control freak because you want this certainty?
Now, in all honesty, we all do that. At some point we do do it and we just do it in different ways…
Sometimes were overt. Sometimes we're passive aggressive…
Sometimes we're just, you know, it's a really creative, unique way, but we're really after that shorty, we want to know that we know and what I've found in my life and in talking to lots of women, lots of people, hundreds, thousands over the years, 20 years, is that there are just a few things that we need to know for certain k and then we're good.
I've found that it's not very many… it's maybe a handful, maybe two handfuls of things that you really know for sure. And then we just build on that case. So that becomes those things that we know, those handful of things, couple of handfuls that becomes that solid foundation and then we build the rest.
The foundation is really the what, what is it that we know for certain?
For me, I know my beliefs are certain. I know I've had them for years. I know them, I guide my life by them. I know for sure certain things in my beliefs and I know them. It doesn't matter tiny to a tree, you know, pull my arms off like they used to do in the old days graphic description.
But you get what I'm saying, I get it, I know it and I can't deny it. So I know certain things.
And so because of that, I know my beliefs. I know I love my family. I know my family is utterly core for me. So when I'm in situations, no matter what may happen, no matter what choices people make, that doesn't matter.
I know that my love for my family is certain and I think especially for mothers, there's just this sort of extra gene and extra endowment given to us that we just, you know, our families, we still just love them and that's why we can kind of be a doormat because they know we love them.
You know, what's that movie line? She's like saying to the daughter that just got engaged, “Well do you love him?” And she says, “No, no, I like him.” And she said, “Well good. Because when you love them, they know they can drive you crazy…” You know? It's that kind of a thing.
So as especially as mothers, I feel we really love our families, love, love them to a core place that nothing they do can really shift that place of love. So that's another thing. I'm certain of it.
I'm certain of just different personality things that I know that I am an enthusiastic, joyful, cheerful person and I know that no matter what situations come in life that I will always buoy back up to that.
It just, it's just a space that is my nature. It's me and that's where I'm going to be.
So I am certain of that…
So whatever comes, I'm going to end up in a joyful place. I just will because that's the kind of personality that's my one of my traits. So just think about it for a second. What are some things that you are certain about not sort of like, well I like it a seven or eight on that, but you're, you're a raging 10.
Like I know this is a movable, this is Mount Rushmore, I'm a 10 on this. What are some things that you're certain about? And maybe just list about three or four or five if you can, if you're in a place to do that, if you're driving, just think about it in your mind. Stay focused on the road, but think about those things you're certain about…
The beautiful thing is we're not gonna focus on that for right now.
That's another podcast, but I want you to consider how that shifts you in your day. When you know what you're certain about, will you really stay offended by that particular comment? Will you really be upset by that person's particular choice in their behavior? Will you? How really does it affect the certainty you have about what you know to be true? It's just something to consider?
Alright, so I want to focus today on the thing that's really given people problems, which is this space of uncertainty because we kind of think we know certain things, we're sure about them.
And so it's the uncertainty space that gets to be a problem. So when you look at this, there's two different ways that we can look at this uncertainty. I believe there are oppositional forces in the universe and the divine, that there's always that good and evil. It's that whole star wars thing.
It just isn't the forest and then it's the evil empire and you've got two opposing forces all the time and it just makes total sense to me. So certainty, uncertainty. Imagine those oppositional forces in the universe that imagine them as a little men are little people that just come and try to like pick, pick, pick with a little pickax and just pick, pick, pick at your certainty.
They pick, pick, pick at your happiness, your joy, and just pick, pick, pick, pick, pick all the time. A little pickaxes k. So imagine when you are in this space, you've tried some, you know something for sure, but then now you're, you know, for sure.
Say, I know for sure the principles that I teach are true and they are good and they will produce results. They're the best. I know that. That's why I teach them, so imagine when I'm moving something forward that's new and approach or a system or a website or a media forum, something that's new and different in the way that I'm sharing that.
Imagine the uncertainty that comes…
I'm used to feeling certain. I'm used to building knowing what I'm doing, but now the approach is different, so that's where the certainty is. The what? The uncertainty to me is the how, because we don't know exactly how we're going to do Xyz.
We don't know how it's going to turn out. We don't know how we're going to make that happen. We don't know how this is all gonna play out and that's the uncertainty that we don't like, so imagine that space, okay?
Now imagine those oppositional forces kind of picking at you when you're in that space because opposition loves uncertainty, loves that space because what happens in there, what can they do?
If you're starting to second guess yourself about that project or that person or that situation, then they can just pick ax a hole a mile wide because you are so raw and vulnerable and that little shield is just thin invented then because you are so uncertain and so this space is a place they love to rebel and they love to make you feel magnified.
Have you ever felt when you're in uncertainty that your emotions are magnified and it's...My daughter was talking about at one time when she was dealing with anxiety, she said some great advice that she had received was she said, “When I get into that place of anxiety, it's wow. I lost my pencil…”
For most people it's, “Oh, I lost my pencil. I'll just go pick up a new one or I'll ask the person next to me, you know, to get that pencil or get a different one or borrow one or I'll find a solution.”
But for her, the feeling is, “I lost my pencil, and I won't be able to finish this test, and I'm not going to get that scholarship, and I won't be able to get into college, and then I won't have a job, and then we're going to live in a box in a van down by the river,” you know?
So her little mantra now is, “I'm going to lose my pencil, I'm going to live in a box, and that helps her reframe it and bring it back to what's really happening, which is I just lost my pencil and there's an easy solution.”
So when we get in that place of uncertainty, watch for magnification…
Watch for your thinking and feelings to start spiraling into this, I always talk about the vortex spiraling into this downward vortex of it's all going to go to pot and it's going to be offline, gonna fail in the biggest way, whatever that might look like to you.
That's that vortex that that opposition wants to get you into because it's really hard to climb back out of that once you start spiraling down. So watch for that…
Ask yourself, “What is a trigger that makes me in this uncertainty, go down that vortex?” What is kind of a goto trigger for you when your uncertainty, if you're in that place, is it that you tend to numb out? Is it that you tend to pull back like you're not going to do what you started out to do and you just quit?
Is it that you won't commit fully? So you'll be sort of half in, half out? What does it look like for you as a Goto for that trigger of that vortex when you're in uncertainty? So just take a minute and think about that. What does that look like? What is it that you ended up knee jerk doing in that uncertainty to try to make yourself feel better?
Okay, so just think about that for a second…
Now I want to shift that and instead I want you to consider a positive way to look at uncertainty, a positive way to look at this. I love this quote from Eric From and it says, “The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers.”
Do you believe that? I believe that. I know that because if we aren't in that space where we don't know what we're doing, we're not going to reach out.
We're not going to reach up. We're not going to ask people for help. We're not going to partner with the divine and again, whatever that looks like for you, the universe, higher power, nature, whatever that is, you're not going to reach out and we are wired to reach out.
That's how we're going to keep growing…
That's that synergy process. It's so vital and in that place, if we can look at uncertainty differently, we can say, wow, this is a space to play. Not to be magnified and go down the vortex, but a space to play and how do we do that? We ask questions.
We ask questions of ourselves, of others whom, why am I feeling this way? What is it that I know for sure? Let me go back to what I know that a certain. So how did I get to a place of uncertainty?
Oh, it's new. It's different. That's it. So what is making me feel uncertain? What is making me feel uncertain? Let's get down to specifics. I just had a cute gal that I teach in my church, the youth and after I gave a lesson, she came up and she was talking to me and said, I just feel kind of weird lately. And I said, well tell me what's going on.
Well, she has some big shifts coming up at the stage of her life and it's new and it's different and it's exciting, but it's scary. And I worked her back. I said, “what is it that you know for certain, what is it you know for sure?”
And then she said, “Well, I know X, Y and Z,” and I said, “Wonderful. That sounds like that is not a question. So now it's just a question of the time is here, the reality is here and it's happening and so that's making you feel a little bit nervous.”
So sit with that for a minute and see if that's the reality…
And it turned out that that really seemed to be the reality. It wasn't the thing she was doing. It was that it was new, it was uncertain, and so once she sat with it and got it, she was okay.
Like my assistant said the other day when we were talking to different people about their fears she said, “Fear and excitement have to be present in order for us to move forward in a positive way.”
And I thought, that's so true…
When we're doing something new, when we're doing something that is different and we have to get out of our comfort zone, fear and excitement, those two are companions because the fear is meaning we're getting out of that comfort zone and we're up leveling and the excitement means, but it's in a good way.
It's doing something I actually really, really want to do. It's not a bad fear. It's a good fear, but it doesn't feel good because I really don't know what I'm doing. Does that make sense? So that's, that's what I'm talking about.
And it puts us in this place emotionally and mentally, that and spiritually that were open that now we're like, I don't know. So I am more meek, a more able to hear, and no one wants to know what I need to do.
This is from Brene Brown and she says, “I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability, limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty, love, creativity, belonging, trust, joy, to name a few.”
Have you been there? All the things that we really prize that we want, that we need from our lives. It is rife with uncertainty. And so it's okay. So my challenge to you today is to embrace certainty. Make it a place that you play. Make it a place that you say, I am going to play here. I'm going to…
I'm going to enjoy the space as much as I can. I'm going to be familiar with it. I'm going to make it my friend. So figure out what that means to you, what that looks like, how that can manifest itself in your life in a way that resonates for you.
Where you say, “I know that you recognize those signs. Oh, I'm starting to reach for the brownies, or I'm snapping at my kids. I get it. I'm in an uncertain place. Let me sit with this for a minute.”
Let me go back to what I know for sure. Let me ask specific questions of what I'm uncertain about and then let me move forward and one step that I know that will help me with that uncertainty. So for myself, I had a program that I was releasing and with this program it was the first time that I was going to need to do my own calls.
I love doing these discovery calls, talking with people, finding out their situation, their backstory, seeing how I can help them move forward and I love it, but it's that fear, excitement. I'm like, how? How well can I do this with this particular person? I don't know that people coming.
I know that I have a talent to be able to do it, I mean in a, in a sense, and I know that I have abilities I know because I've been doing this for 20 years, but in other ways, but this particular way that I had to do it for this program in this release was different than I had ever done before and so I was really nervous and really did not want to do it.
To be honest. I was like, I don't know how I'm even going to do this, so what did I do in that uncertain space? I reached out to one of my assistants and I said, can you please just do the first few and I will watch so that I know what I'm doing and make sure that I'm doing it in this right way.
So we made that. We got these scheduled appointments because people listened to the masterclass and wanted to schedule the appointments.
So we started doing the calls and she started taking them, started talking to them, okay, this good assistant who is so patient could not get through five minutes without me. It was a zoom and so I was like pointing my finger like, can I just say something? And I said, can I just share just one thing 15, 20 minutes later, like, okay, handing back to you.
I couldn't stop talking because I wanted to share this with this gal and I didn't talk the whole time I, I met asking questions and was so engaged with this woman and saying, Oh, I hear where you're at and tell me more and this is what I know will help you in this. It was so exciting.
I could hardly contain myself and I was laughing when I got done because I thought, okay, I guess I'm not afraid anymore and that was the step I needed to take. I just needed to do it. I just needed to try it. I just needed to jump into the water and just get, get all in and get…
So I'm not cold little step by step. I just need to be all in. So I encourage you today with whatever I've shared with you, if there's been something that's resonated, posted in the comments, #value, #certaintyuncertaintyrocks, you know, whatever that might be, but Hashtag it and let me know what mattered to you and also with you thought of a solution.
Please post that people respond and get helped by your solutions. I am not the end all.
I keep telling you I am not the spring. I am a guide to the spring of all the things I learn and share and connect and synergize with women and men and all of these different things that I learned I can bring to the table and share with you as a smorgasbord.
But I am not the smorgasbord. I am not the food. I'm not the source of the food. I just gather what I find is good to eat and I share with you all of that yummies that you come to eat. But I'm not. I guess the best way to say this. I'm not the chef. I'm not the one that made all of these good things.
I'm the one that gets to share it, so I encourage you, share below in the things that you've learned and bless other people's lives, and again, join me for another fabulous podcast on balance, redefined and learn some more. Share some more. I remember that's what we're here to do. Educate, motivate, celebrate.
You got it. Thanks for listening and remember to rate and subscribe. And if you are feeling the need for real balance in your life, get your free five step life plan, and get started today! Just go to conniesokol.com/download.